Hammertime

A couple of things have happened in my life lately that have motivated me to write this article:

First, I’ve been spending a retarded amount of time gaming over the last few months and now would like to reallocate some of that time toward some business initiatives that I’ve recently gotten involved in, but the only way to really keep myself sexually satisfied with a reduced allocation of time toward dating is a relationship. This has gotten me thinking a lot about what I’m looking for in a woman.

Second, I introduced a friend of mine to game and he’s really committed himself to getting good (had his first lay in like 6 months last weekend!) and dating around to figure out what he likes so he can tailor his game appropriately. Having been an AFC his whole life, relationships have sort of just come to him so he’s never really explored what interests him, a problem that all but maybe the top 10% of men have.

Third, I’ve been talking to this girl who so far has a lot of relationship potential (call her Liz) and while I’m not sure things will work with her, it’s gotten me warmed up to the idea of getting involved to that level with someone again.

My telling people that I’ve decided that I’m going to find a girlfriend has been met with a lot of skepticism among friends and family. That’s fine, a lot of them don’t know me that well, particularly with regards to my dating life. I keep getting the old “it’s not that simple to just find someone” and the “what’s to say that when you find the perfect girl, she’ll even like you.”

Which brings me to the topic at hand: are you the man that your type of woman is looking for? You see, women have negative views of game because they think it’s manipulative and dishonest, and that makes total sense because a lot of men are all looking for the magic bullet to essentially lie and manipulate women into their beds. But game is not about a magic bullet. Game is about changing yourself. Improving yourself. We practice structure at the beginning to develop an unconscious competence over time that makes us into better conversationalists and more attractive men. Men who will in fact get the girl who they want. My personality is more authentic and true to myself than ever before in my life. I make a lot of people laugh, I piss a lot of people off, but no matter what, I feel very secure in the fact that everything I say is the real me and not me trying to pretend to be someone that another person might like. And yes, my type, the type of woman that drives me wild, feels the same way about me.

I guess when I first got into my relationship with Rian about this time last year was when this idea first really resonated with me. It was then that I really started to identify as the guy who my type likes. There have been a few other occasions of this, including an incident where I was with my buddy RajNYC and I had to actively ignore the girl he’d brought with him so as not to steal her from him (he ended up getting laid that night by the way, I warned him not to bring girls who are my type around me again because next time I’ll steal her).

Bottom line is, when a girl is my type; that super sassy intellectual with a dorky streak and a sense of adventure as well as healthy open minded views toward sex; it is game over. I am the guy that she’s probably never met before but will instantly fall hard for. I’ve spent nearly two years developing my personality and sense of self to the point where I can make that proclamation, but really feel like I’m now that guy. Maybe Liz is my type, but if she’s not, I’ll work my ass off to find the next girl who is. I’m going to do it without online game for a while and see how it goes (Liz is a Match.com girl, the last one still in my phone from my last round of emails a few weeks ago). I know that I won’t cover as much ground that way, but my subscription just expired on match and I want to prove myself that I can find a girlfriend without it using day game and night game if for no other reason than to say I did.

As some of you know, dirty talking and verbal/text escalation are two of my specialties. A lot of guys I know in real life watch me do it and tell me they could never say the stuff that I say because it’s just not them or whatever. Sometimes they’ll even ask me for text help and I’ll tell them to say something and they’ll pussy out.

I just heard a great song that I hadn’t heard in a long time, but it’s so relevant to this topic. The song “Tear You Apart” by She Wants Revenge is a great song if you want to learn how to dirty talk. Memorize the lyrics as prose and you’ll be getting those panties wet in no time. The lyrics are here:

Got a big plan his mind’s set, maybe it’s right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
In a whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make-out and kiss hard, wait, never mind

I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
“I wanna fucking tear you apart”

From the beginning, look at the push-pull: “At the right place and right time, maybe tonight, In a whisper or handshake sending a sign, Wanna make-out and kiss hard, wait, never mind.”

This song is basically a how to of pulling a girl from a bar/getting her to fuck you on the first date. All the body language instructions: grab her around the hips and pull her tightly into you, skin to skin. Then chest to chest so you can feel each other’s hearts beating. Take slow, deep breaths, tell her to close her eyes. Grab her by the hair on the back of her neck and whisper in her ear, “I want to fucking TEAR YOU APART.”

Yesterday Rian called me for the first time in a week and a half. Two weeks prior Rian had flaked on a sex date we had arranged for a Tuesday night, and that was sort of the last straw in my book. I just ignored her communications for the next few days and then when she texted me on Friday I told her (for probably the 50^th time) to stop contacting me and stay out of my life. The conversation went something like this:

It’s like 9pm on Friday and I’m on my way to Kiwi’s house. Rian had called or texted me twice a day on Wed and Thurs, all of whcih I ignored. This is her first message to me of the day.

Rian: I miss you

Hammer: Invite me over.

Rian: I’m in Vermont.

Hammer: It’s cool, when you flaked on me on Friday, something really strange happened. I felt nothing.

Rian: I didn’t flake, blah blah blah…

Hammer: It’s cool, I don’t even care. I realized something when you flaked. I’m totally over you.

Rian: Oh. Okay.

Rian: That’s fine because LameDudeIWasDatingToMakeYouJealous and I are official now.

Hammer: I feel sorry for him.

Rian: why?

Hammer: Because you’re a liar, and you’re super flaky, and you’re in love with another man.

Rian: I know I’m such a bad person.

Hammer: Yep, pretty much. Anyway, run along now, out of my life forever. Don’t make me get a restraining order.

Rian: So you really just never want to talk to me again?

Hammer: NO.

Rian: Fine, well have a good life baby. I love you.

That’s a really fucked up thing to say to a guy who’s trying to cut you out of his life, particularly when you’re dating another man and it’s totally your lack of time investment that fucked up the relationship in the first place. Anyway, so a week and a half goes by, and I think, “Great, I guess I’m in the clear.” Then she calls me up yesterday and leaves a voicemail all cheerfully under the guise of I just wanted to check in on you see how you’re doing. I wait about 5 hours then text her saying “If you want to know how I’m doing, twitter.com/hammer86, but don’t contact me again.” Anyway, it eventually got to the point of my saying things like, “You’re dead to me, and I’m not into necrophilia, so fuck off.” But come on, I know that she’s going to try calling me again, probably saying something about how much I upset her or how much she misses me or how she’s felt like shit after what I said to her.

So I guess the question is, how do I get her to fuck off? I’ve tried being civil, I’ve tried ignoring, I’ve tried being mean, I’ve tried being clingy to push her away, what else is there to do?

P.S. While we’re on the topic, something really interesting happens when you try to be clingy to push a girl away. Even though you are really trying to push her away, your mind tricks itself into catching feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I knew all along what I was trying to accomplish, but when she told me she needed space or whatever it still hurt for a few days. It’s funny how the brain works sometimes. I guess it’s biofeedback, your body is doing these things and scream you’re obsessed with X person so your emotional circuitry interprets it as “You must really like this person.” All the more reason to not act like a chode I suppose.

I have a new wing, who for lack of a better term we’ll call Kiwi because he’s from New Zealand. We get along really well and have similar levels of commitment to getting good, but have very different styles of game. This doesn’t bother me too much because I like to isolate as quickly as possible anyway and run my game, but I think that I hurt him sometimes because he runs a more social game that involves group dynamics and making a lot of female friends.

Anyway, I want to talk about tailoring your game toward the girls that you are looking for, because I think that one of the things that Kiwi could do a little better is focus on screening for girls who are his type. His social game works and gets him laid, moreso than me (although not when I’m doing online dating), I just know he could be more efficient about getting through girls he’s really not interested in so he has a better chance of finding the girls who he is. He just genuinely cares too much about what perfect strangers think of him, which is something that we’ve talked about and he acknowledges is a sticking point.

Last night I did an approach on a tall super cute girl with red hair (not natural but whatever) and things started off really well. I quickly isolated her and was getting IOIs early. As I started trying to set sexual frames, I quickly came to the realization that this was not a girl who would have sex with me on the first night. She had only had sex with one guy in her entire life, and clearly had a bunch of hang-ups about sex. Additionally, she’s probably never had good sex. Anyway, when I get a set like that, do one of three things. I can either walk away, try and get a number and date her, or keep trying to frame her until she either blows me out or accepts the SNL frames I’m setting. Because I’m on a kick of going exclusively for Same Night Lays and not taking numbers, I chose the latter.

Now the thing about this is, I already knew this girl was into me, but I had pretty much lost any interest in her because she couldn’t give me what I was after, so getting blown out isn’t a big deal for me. Thinking like this gives me the balls to say things that I might otherwise be afraid to say like telling her that all of my best relationships started off passionately and I am really turned off by girls who practice self denial because they are worried about being called a slut. Needless to say, after about 10 minutes of this she had to “go to the bathroom.” One thing that I’ve noticed is that a great way to save a set is to show some social intuition, so now when women say things like that, I just tell them, “listen, if you don’t want to talk to me anymore that’s totally cool, I’m a big boy, but there’s really no need to lie to me. I don’t want to be wasting my time talking to people who aren’t interested in me anyway.” This time it didn’t work but often it will (e.g. a couple weeks ago I was talking to a girl but the conversation was kind of dull and I was thinking of how I could get it on the right track when I saw her reach back to touch her friend which is a plea to be saved. I told her, “I saw you just tap your friend to be rescued, so I’m going to go back to my friends, but it was really nice meeting you.” After this she changed her mind and asked me to stay).

Afterward Kiwi started giving me shit for getting blown out telling me that I was being uncalibrated and when I realized that she wasn’t that type of girl I should have readjusted my game, but this is where I totally disagree with him. I would rather get blown out of the set than talk to her for another 20 minutes and get a number that I’ll never call. It wasn’t that I was being uncalibrated (although I am not going to pretend that I’m not uncalibrated sometimes). It’s that sometimes you have to step over lines to really figure out where they are.

So I want to talk quickly about how to design your game so that it will get you much more attraction from girls who are your type and get blown out by girls who aren’t. Two powerful techniques that we are going to use to do this are cold reads and negging into a frame. So for example, Kiwi likes girls who are sort of tomboyish, so if thinks that the girl he’s talking to is a tomboy, he can cold read her by telling her, “I can see that you’ve gotten dressed up all cute tonight and stuff and you look great, but I can tell that you’re really way more in your element in jeans and a t-shirt. You’re a total tomboy aren’t you!” Alternatively, if he’s at a time in the interaction where you could really use a break in rapport to build more attraction, or you think she’s probably not a tomboy but you want her to sort of accept that frame, you can tell her, “Oh wow we’d never get along, I can already tell you’re a total girly girl like something straight out of legally blond. I’ll bet you have a pet Chihuahua too.” Unless this is her, in which case her attraction to you will get increased because you nailed her personality, she should push back hard and as a result will frame herself as a tomboy, which will make her act more like you’d like her to.

Doing something like this is all about recovery. With that girl yesterday, I told her that I can totally tell she’s a closet nerd, which she denied adamantly, but I held frame, and eventually when I found out she had an iPhone, it was not hard to get her to agree that she is in fact an apple fanboy (see nerd). I also told her that I really liked the fact that she was independent but I’ll bet that because she has to be so decisive in her everyday life, she prefers to be submissive in relationships. She pushed back telling me that she just got out of an overly controlling relationship, so I had to backtrack, basically telling her that if that’s what she’s attracted to it’s what she’ll always be attracted to and she will be bored in relationships where she isn’t being led. This didn’t really hit at all, but I did recover and end up getting a lot farther in the interaction, but she had already lost points in my book because she wasn’t that type of girl, so I became less invested in the interaction and cared less when it died.

I am sure that a lot of you who have stuck with my blog despite the lack of updates lately are wondering why I keep letting Rian back into my life, so I figured I’d write a quick post explaining what the deal is.

I think that the first and probably most important point is the simple fact that we are still in love with each other. We have had a lot of problems, but the root causes of the problems have been mostly coincidental freak things rather than specific incompatibilities. As things settle down, we both want to be together. We have a very high passion connection that is rare and never easy. We’re very similar in a lot of ways but also different in others, but one thing that we have in common is that we’re both very stubborn.

Another thing that makes it difficult to move past her is that she is the smartest (perfect GPA through college and Columbia grad school so far) and most fun, but also the most beautiful (5’8” 120lbs platinum blond with natural D cups, perfect sized nipples and labia) woman I have met MET, let alone dated. She has a great family and great nurturing instincts, and comes from money (not that it really matters, but it certainly doesn’t hurt). She is also the best in bed that I’ve ever had by far, and I’ve had some interesting experiences.

It’s hard to walk away from that, and while I keep trying, she keeps taking the initiative at the last second and reeling me back in. That said, I’ve been willing to walk away for months now and I’ve already put into motion a plan for moving on in the event that doesn’t work out. Her agreeing to the open relationship is an indication that I am in the driver’s seat this time around, which is the way it should be. The next couple months will be interesting.