There are a lot of guys who fantasize about deflowering virgins. They talk about how they want to be her first. About how tight it would be, etc. There’s a word for guys like this: Douchebag. Trying to talk a virgin into having sex with you is pretty much one of the scummiest things you can do. When I am talking to a woman who I am attracted to, and I hear that she is a virgin, I metaphorically run for the hills. Here’s why:
1. Why is she still a virgin?
For her to still be a virgin when I come along is weird. At the age of 22, it’s very possible for a man to just have zero game and never have gotten a chance to lose his virginity. For an attractive woman, however, that is not a realistic possibility. If she is a virgin, maybe she’s just waiting for “that special person.” Maybe she doesn’t plan on losing her virginity until marraige. Maybe she is really shy and freezes up when things escalate. Maybe she’s just afraid of intimacy.
No matter what the reason, it cannot possibily be something that I find appealing in any way. I want a woman who’s sexually confident, not someone who’s going to want to keep the lights off. I want a woman who has some idea what she’s doing, I’m not interested in training her. I want someone who is sexually adventurous, not someone who will feel weird about dirty talk, swallowing, or public sex.
2. I want her to have been with other men.
Not just for the experience factor which I’ve already mentioned. I don’t want our first time together to be such a big deal that I’m all of the sudden expected to get into a long term relationship with this girl just because we had sex once.
On the flipside, I don’t want to be her first because if I do like her and want to have something long term with her, I don’t want her to feel like she hasn’t had enough experiences in her life and that she should go sleep with some more guys before settling down. Every girl at some point in their life fantasizes about being slutty (a fantasy that I have definitely benefitted from on multiple occasions). I want that out of her system.
I also want her to know what she’s giving up by being with me. I don’t want there to be doubt in her mind that I am the best there is. I want her to compare me to every other guy she’s ever been with, because I am confident that I can stack up against the best of them. Other than scumbag, when I hear that someone wants to deflower a virgin, the first thing I think is, “wow, this guys must know that he really sucks in bed because he clearly doesn’t want to be compared to other men.”
If you’re secure in your game and your ability, you should welcome the chance to leave such a strong impression on her that from then on you are the one that she is comparing everyone else to. You should leave her bedroom feeling sorry about the fact that you’ve permanently ruined sex for her because no one else will be able to stack up, and sorry for the other men who will try.
September 25, 2008 at 12:24 PM
I also want her to know what she’s giving up by being with me. I don’t want there to be doubt in her mind that I am the best there is. I want her to compare me to every other guy she’s ever been with, because I am confident that I can stack up against the best of them.
I really like this mentality. You are very wise.
September 26, 2008 at 6:26 PM
I tend to agree with you, especially if you are not in it for any type of commitment. When you bang a virgin, you get remembered and will now be the standard to which all other men in her life are judged. And if you’re just out for a quickie than it doesn’t help to have a potential stage 11 clinger in your midst.
It reminds of the Virgin episode on Seinfeld, where George says this:
“They always remember the first time.”
“I don’t want to be remembered. I want to be forgotten.”
September 27, 2008 at 12:38 AM
[...] http://hammer86.wordpress.com/2008/09/24/why-i-dont-date-virgins/ [...]
September 28, 2008 at 8:34 PM
[...] I’d give my opinions on the subject. You won’t have to look very far back to find my post on why I refuse to date virgins, so I obviously am going to take a someone negative few of it, but hopefully you won’t think [...]
September 28, 2008 at 11:38 PM
That’s good stuff. I completely agree!!
Spoken from someone who married (and now divorced) only the second man I had ever slept with… yeah, I had to get out and experience a bit more.
Great advice! And its always good to hear a man’s perspective!
October 2, 2008 at 1:51 PM
[...] Hammer: Why I Don’t Date Virgins [...]
October 3, 2008 at 2:47 AM
Right on! I agree with every point. I believe there is an issue with a modern, educated woman who is still a virgin at 22. It’s some strict religious guidelines or “No One is Good Enough” syndrome. Huge disadvantages. Also, virgins don’t know good sex. Some people have sex their whole lives and not know what good sex is. Luckily for me, I have been with other men and I think that is important for me. I get to pick and choose what I like instead of settling. Great post.
October 3, 2008 at 2:58 AM
[...] Hammer: Why I Don’t Date Virgins [...]
February 21, 2009 at 3:20 PM
Someone left a comment saying that there is an ”issue” with someone being 22 and a virgin…etc, etc.
I wonder how any educated, modern person could even write that kind of comment.
Some people really need to get out more.
If someone has decided to wait to have sex, it should be accepted as is. It’s simply a personal decision; there is no need to scrutinize it.
February 21, 2009 at 6:27 PM
Most people who are virgins at 22 are not virgins by choice, let’s make that clear right now.
There is something wrong with someone who is a virgin at 22 by choice. Everyone has sexual desires, and if one is a virgin at 22 by choice, he is masochistic and has no sense of independence. He cares way too much about what other people think.
February 21, 2009 at 7:56 PM
you said:
”Most people who are virgins at 22 are not virgins by choice, let’s make that clear right now.”
Please explain?
February 21, 2009 at 8:23 PM
About everything else you wrote earlier:
I think your ideas are incredibly irrational. It’s strange that you would say such things about someone just because they haven’t had sex yet.
March 26, 2009 at 5:34 PM
Hammer is obviously talking of the likes of quickies, one-night stands and “summer love” only….strength, courage ,endurance, patience etc. does not seem to appeal to him as he himself points out. It’s your personal decision. There is a hidden side to your mentality which is that you are not confident you will be able to emotionally fulfill someone who has been strong enough to resist temptation eventhough she is attractive. You don’t think you are good enough.
March 26, 2009 at 7:07 PM
Wow not at all you couldn’t be more off base. Strength, courage, endurance and patience appeal to me, but self denial and masochism don’t. Neither do irrational beliefs in a higher power.
In fact, I would argue that the insecure, unconfident guy with entitlement issues is the one who wants to date the virgin, as I do in this post if you actually read it. Anyway, thanks for reading.
March 31, 2009 at 5:19 PM
So this article begs the question – have you been with a virgin and how old was she? What happened to so traumatize you about virgins? While I agree that a lot of the above is true, I think you exaggerate.
Also, why is there no mention of pregnancy and STDs as a hindrance to a girl losing her virginity? Two of my close friends got pregnant during college (age 20 and 21) despite using condoms and several of them have STDs (though they were ones that could be treated). One of my coworkers has had an active sex life but recently had her 3rd abortion – so scary.
Women have a lot more risks than men and though yes many women fantasize about being sluts, there are ways for us to get that out of our system without necessarily having vag sex. Women also worry about hook-ups because if it turns out she doesn’t like his dick or something, he can still rape her, especially if she’s a bit tipsy. My friend was with a guy and he started having unprotected sex with her while she was sleeping in the morning. And she had to take the morning after pill which is terrible for your body.
Also, what do you define as a virgin? I held off on vaginal sex for awhile for the above reasons but tried other things first and I think it made sex better because I had opportunities to orgasm and know what makes me tick. Most women who only have vaginal sex don’t orgasm unless they’re on top so even if she’s not a virgin, she may not know what she wants. Women who practice on themselves also are better in bed and some women are sexually active don’t do this either.
Besides, women start going to their gyno by age 18. I technically had my cherry popped by my gyno. A penis is way less scary than a cold, metal device in your…
But, a guy has no excuse to be a virgin at 22. He doesn’t have to worry about babies or having a scarred womb and emotional trauma from abortions so I don’t see why he would wait that long.
My main point, don’t judge a girl if she’s still a 22-year-old virgin if she’s attractive, intelligent, and has got a great personality. Always find out why she is one and if she at least knows what she wants from sex. Don’t assume an older virgin wants to settle down and marry. I certainly didn’t. I just need someone to be my first and get it over with but in a safe way. If you don’t take the time to find out, you might miss out and also, you’ll just be an ass.
March 31, 2009 at 5:28 PM
Also, I don’t what type of women you date but if a woman tells you she likes swallowing your cum she’s lying.
April 3, 2009 at 12:06 PM
It doesn’t matter what the irrational excuse is for why she hasn’t had sex yet at 22. The fact that she hasn’t had sex already tells me that she has unhealthy views about sex. It’s too big a deal to her.
I understand that you needed someone to be your first in a safe and comfortable way or whatever, but don’t judge me for not wanting to be that guy. She should get some experience before she comes to play in the big leagues. If I pass up a girl because she doesn’t have the experience, I’m not the one missing out, she is. Frankly, she’s been missing out her whole life. I admire your sense of female entitlement though that you’d think that just because I’m a guy that I’m automatically the one missing out.
As for cum swallowing, you’d be surprised. But even if she doesn’t, it’s much less important to me that a girl actually likes swallowing my cum than it is that she PRETENDS she likes swallowing it. That’s what a good girl does. I’d obviously much prefer that she likes all of the things that I like sexually, but if she’s a keeper she’ll do things she doesn’t want to do just because I like them.
April 14, 2009 at 8:20 PM
So for you sex only counts if it is Vag sex, so like gay guys who’ve never f’d girls are still virgins or what? I think an unhealthy view of sex denies a fundamental aspect of what vag sex does – make babies. Again, as a guy, it’s something you just never have to worry about. You’re not the one buying contraceptives and making sure to take them religiously. And so you think a girl who’s hesitated on V-sex is “irrational.” Go figure. Do you know how many women out there are single mothers?
I think you’re being narrow-minded about what sex is and can be.
Also, how do you know you’ve never slept with a girl who lied about her virginity? I didn’t tell my first I had never had vag sex but he didn’t know and still doesn’t know. We weren’t together long enough for it to be his business to know. I wonder if you know that all of the girls you’ve slept with weren’t virgins.
You come across as “I’m all that” and “I’m above women b/c I pleasure them and they come to me” it’s really annoying: “if she’s a keeper she’ll do things she doesn’t want to do just because I like them,” “that’s what a girl good does.”
Go F a doormat!!!
April 14, 2009 at 11:17 PM
Waiting until you’re 22 to have sex is not “hesitating.” That means you’ve probably been blueballing boyfriends for the last 7 years or more.
I am defining sex as intercourse in the same way that you’re defining virginity as it’s okay to give blowjobs… You think guys don’t worry about making babies? That’s total bullshit. That’s why I use protection when I have sex despite hating condoms with a passion.
When it comes down to it, I have a lot of sexual deal breakers. Being able to stick my dick in her is one of many. I’d be singing the same tune if she refuses to give blowjobs or anal or threesomes etc etc etc.
April 18, 2009 at 5:14 AM
I used to have epilepsy and didn’t have sex because epileptics get visions sometimes and I got this intense vision which scared me and literally stopped my first official sexual encounter. I’m older than 22 and physically, I survive alright on my own, I can even thrive sometimes if truth be told. I’ve dated INCREDIBLY seductive men. I guess that I just want to give some helpful advise to you guys who are dying to loose it. First, points to this writer for taking one for the girl-virgin team. It’s really mean to have sex with a virgin and consider her just a friend or less afterward ..unless it was ABSOLUTELY her idea and she was willfully loosing it out of rebellion and didn’t scream. If you already had sex with a virgin, you should marry her – no exceptions. My scream was a silent one…it was a prayer. “If you love me” I screamed in silence. I’m so ashamed but this was after, my mouth said “yes”, and after a nine month period of painful forplay (painful for both parties for sure!!). Anyway, I thank God that I got this vision. Even if it was a paranoid hallucination or chemical imbalance, then I am still grateful because I lost my mind for a few years afterward and the only thing that finally helped me from staying in the nuthouse forever were the marriage rules of the old Jewish Torah, because these helped the world start to make a little bit of sense again. Sadly, women don’t realize that they are seductive sometimes because girls mimic pop culture sometimes and falsely think that sex equals love because Disney princesses get married after kisses, etc. If you are a guy virgin…and you still want game….read A LOT of books on it, work on your body (eastern religious philosophies and arts are very helpful for this), follow your interests and become INTERESTING, figure out how to be confident with EXACTLY how you look. Don’t down yourself because she will eventually believe you. Don’t ever let a woman walk all over you. We need to be put in our place sometimes – and it can be hot if you do this right. Don’t have sex with another girl and think that it is making your virgin love interest jealous. If you’ve almost bedded or bedded one that you may love, don’t EVER sleep with someone else. Girl number one may forgive but she will NEVER be able to sleep with you. Just a warning and some things that I have found to be true. Hope some of this helps, much luck and hopefully happiness to all in future!!!
April 18, 2009 at 5:31 AM
Well I guess some women may sleep with you again if you have had sex with them, then had sex with someone else, then want the first girl again. I was trying to make the point that it is really difficult for virgin girls to get over the trauma of their first experience being paired with visions of you sleeping with other women especially if she might have loved you. Much Love and thanks so much for the interesting post!!!
April 18, 2009 at 5:51 AM
maybe it’s true that virgin girls have been giving men blue balls for years. I wish that I was taught modesty or that people didn’t make fun of me or make me feel stupid when I try to NOT attract men, hurray modernity and Hollywood status quo!
May 29, 2009 at 12:50 AM
Okay, so I’m 20, female, and a virgin. Here are MY reasons for it:
I had low self esteem in high school, bad acne, hormones, I was less attractive then and didn’t have a high school boyfriend. I’m over that now.
Since then, there are three options for men to lose my virginity to:
1) a boyfriend. This hasn’t happened, I’m not a romantic, never been “in love”. I move around a lot, and all of my jobs I have been primarily working with other women.
2) a FWB. This is what I am looking for. Unfortunately, well, it just hasn’t happened yet. Haven’t had a male friend who I felt sexual chemistry with and had the nerve to say, “hey, wanna fuck?”
3) A one night stand. Haven’t had this because it is DANGEROUS. The thought of going to a strange man’s house or letting him into mine is scary. Also, condoms aren’t failproof. Genital herpes can be on areas not covered by condoms, and they can break. I don’t need to be emotionally attached, but I would prefer to at least like the guy, and be sober to talk about STDs and contraception first.
But, I am glad that you don’t seek out virgins. I hide it to avoid attracting the douchebags you described. I just think it would be nice to consider these things on a case-by-case basis, rather than making sweeping generalizations. I’m not fucked up, religious, hideous, or have crazy expectations. And I want the lights on.
June 21, 2009 at 12:49 AM
You would be surprised. Most virgins are crazy horny and watch porn and masturbate constantly, because they’re not with a man. There’s also plenty of extremely hot women in their 30s who are still virgins. Sometimes if you are really really beautiful, you don’t get ANY guys… contrary to what you may believe about pretty girls.
July 5, 2009 at 7:20 PM
I agree w/ the above statement. Virgins are SUPER horny. Their imaginations run amok and masturbation is very frequent.
For a woman, this is a bonus. Most women do not orgasm through intercourse, alone, so ‘Hammer’ you can save all your talk…
Frankly, you sound like you’re a male slut.
“Get in. Get Out.” LITERALLY.
July 6, 2009 at 11:21 AM
I deserve a gorgeous, brilliant, highly sexual and experienced woman in my life. Virgins need to prove themselves in the minors before getting called to the show.